4th of the 4th

Steph over at The Incurable Insomniac tagged me for this fun little meme. Go to your 4th photo file and choose the 4th picture, post it and explain what it is. Well, I don't really have photo files, so I went to the 4th page of my mySpace page and found the 4th photo there.

This is a picture of one of my dearest friends Cteev. I believe this is his senior High School pic. Circa 1986. Cteev was one of the original "Bohemites" back in good old Ventura County California. I met Cteev in the summer of 87, "pimping" alcohol outside of a liquor store in Ventura (for those of you unfamilar with the term "pimping"..in this context, it means trying to get someone to buy alcohol for you because you are under 21) Anyway, a couple of weeks later, another friend of mine took me to the house his boyfriend was living in at the time. He was living with a family of 6, plus a few other "street urchins" Lo and behold, there was Cteev, living in the house as well. We became the tightest of friends from there on out. Even going so far as to become engaged. After we broke up, we stayed close, actually I do believe we became even closer. He was one of the loves of my life. Cteev contracted HIV in the late 90's and on October 23rd 2001, a blood clot found its way to his heart, and he lost his battle.

OMG..... it seriously just occured to me.

He died 7 years ago today.

Wow.

Happy Birfday U!!

Happy Birthday Micah.

Pay 50 bucks and pick up the garbage

So I dragged Jeanette out with me to see the show. We arrived at just the right amount of time. We got our tickets at the door, found our seats and about 5 minutes later the show started.

Arlo came out, along with his 2 kids, Saralee (guitar) and Abe (Keyboards), and his son in law Johnny (Also on guitar) and another dude on mando and steel guitar. They opened with an instrumental jig just to get the juices flowing, and then Arlo began to tell stories and back up with tunes. He was in perfect Arlo form.

They performed quite a few of Woody's songs, some originals by the kids, and of course a few of Arlo's classics and some new stuff. The highlight of the evening? After a brief intermission, Arlo came out and sat center stage to perform "Alice's Restaurant Masacree" in its glorious entirety. He has added and amended the story in a few key places to make it more understandable for a new generation, but it was still the same old Masacree that Arlo fans have known and loved for 40 years. I was just f&*#ing ecstatic. I was grinning from ear to ear and laughing and feeling so good!!

They ended with "This land is your land", a familiar Woody classic, and encored with a song that Woody had written on his death bed. Arlo had taken the lyrics and set his own tune to it. It was a sweet piece, about peace. Really lovely and moving.

After the show J and I went across the street to a little tavern called "Stonewall Jackson's" (we just call it The Wall), where we met up with Steph and Joel. We drank and laughed, bitched and moaned, waxed philosophic, laughed some more, drank some more and generally had a great time until we closed the place down.

I have not had so much pure unadulterated fun in such a long time. I felt free and easy and younger than I have in years. As Arlo put it, I felt "...that kind of peace that you have on the inside, that make dogs lick you and babies like you."

Thanks Arlo for a great show, and thanks to my friends for all the fun after.

I need a refill

It has occurred to me as of late, that I have really let myself go, spiritually. I used to find time to meditate. Light a candle and just let my mind wander and ponder. I used to take little "journeys" into my mind and refocus myself back to the things that are truly important. Love, compassion, generosity, friendship and a belief that I am not alone. I don't mean, alone physically, but that I am not the only being that feels the way about things that I do.

I used to have Steph do tarot readings for me and help me focus while journeying into a third sight. I miss that. I do my own "quickie" tarot readings now and then, but that almost feels like spiritual masturbation. Feels pretty good at the time, but not a lot of substance or connection to anyone, or anything else.

Now that we live in the same area again, I am going to have to take advantage of the expertise of the gift of tarot that Steph possesses. Apparently during Steph's recent trip to Florida, an old friend brought someone with him and Steph was asked to do a reading for her. From what I have been told, it was pretty special. So, now it's my turn! What say ye Oh great Burgundian One, when you are finished working your ass off, can we get together and do some readings?

Happy Birthday Nettl(no E)

It is a couple days early, but tonight is her birthday party, so I wanted to say a few words about this incredible woman. I met Lynette about 6 years ago. She and Steph had recently moved to Stillwater and I and another friend drove down from Kansas City to meet her. I knew instantly that this was the woman that Steph had been seeking all his life. I also knew that this incredible, sweet and dynamic woman and I were destined to be great friends. Steph and I have always regarded one another as siblings, and when Steph and Lynette exchanged vows at their Holy Union ceremony I was honored and blessed to call her my sister in law. She even bestowed upon me the title of Matron of Honor.

She is not only beautiful, but also full of fire and passion. She is loyal and fierce as a mother, a wife and a friend. Her excitement and enthusiasm for life and love are nothing short of inspirational, and it is so easy to get swept away right along with her. She is generous to those who are in need, and grateful and appreciative when she is the recipient. So, here is to another year sis!

I love you Nettl(no E) Happy Birthday!!!!!!

"Ahhh, you're my best friend."

Among several other thoughts than ran through my mind while I was under the influence of nitrous oxide, the one that stands out the most is my minds ramblings about the "degrees" of friendship.

Somehow in our up bringing, we are taught that, no matter how many friends you may have, there is always "The BEST friend". Do you ever feel guilty because you don't know how to "categorize" your friendship with someone? It's ridiculous. I have so many friends. Are we expected to prioritize our affection? Are we really expected to love people based on some imaginary scale?

The other afternoon my friend Jaeson stopped by my office. We had a great conversation about friendship. It was like an epiphany for me. I said to him, "I don't make friends, I fall in love." I had never said those words before. I had never really analyzed the subject. Yet I found the words falling from my lips as though I had known this all my life. But it's the truth. All the great relationships in my life have been love at first sight. Meaning, there isn't really a "warming up period". You are in or you are not. Maybe that sounds crappy, but I also have a philosophy that, I am not willing to waste my time if it isn't forever. I don't have time for strays. That being said...

...What is the basis for a great friendship? Commonalities? Contradictions? And what makes any one friend more "important" than another? Does time and space diminish the friendship? Do we place value on our friends based on what they can give us?

I am blessed with so many people in my life that love me. How do I choose "the best"? It seems so silly, so sophomoric, and yet it is something we carry through out all our lives. I have more than one best friend. All for different reasons.

Who is your best friend? And why?

Laughing gas, friendship and refried beans

I went to the oral surgeon today to have 2 more teeth extracted. I opted to be completely knocked out this time. I have had this procedure done too many times, but never more than one at a time. I really didn't want to be coherent for 2. Anyway, I picked up Steph at around 8:30 and headed to the dentist office. We got there just a few minutes early, and I got taken in fairly quickly.

After getting settled in the chair, one of the nurses hooked me up with some oxygen. It smelled sweet and helped to clear the headache that I woke up with. After about 5 minutes she informed me that she was turning on the laughing gas. "Let me know if it is too much" she said. (Yeah right.) LOL. Just as I was saying to myself nothing's happening, it kicked in. Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Ahhhhh, yeah, this is nice. Damn, I forgot how much I love the stuff!!! I was really enjoying the ride, but was truly and honestly thinking, "Damn, I wish Berg could be in here sharing this with me." For those of you who know us and have been around us when we are 'on fire', you could only imagine what THAT would be like. LOL.

A few minutes go by and the Doc comes in:

"How you doing?"
"Oh, I'm just peachy."
"Well, good. We are going to give you a few minutes to let the gas kick in."
"Oh it's kicking doc."
Chuckles and grins. "OK, well I will be back in just a bit to get your I.V. in ok?"
Slowly and contentedly: "Okelee dokelee."

He came back, just a bit too soon for me (hehehe) and proceeds to go over step by step exactly what he is doing: "OK, now I am going to wrap this band around your arm to help your veins show themselves," Mmmhmm. "now you squeeze your hand into a fist and I am going to lightly slap the inside of your elbow to help coax them out." K "Now, I am just wiping the area with some alcohol, so it's going to feel wet and cold." (this time, to myself . LOL OK doc, seriously I get it. "Now, your going to feel a little pinch as I get the needle in" No problem. I didn't even know, didn't feel it. "OK, now we are going to give you something to make you feel even happier." (again to myself) Yeah!? Cool!!

I was still waiting for this to happen, when I was woken by the nurse who informed me they were all done. Wow. It's such an odd sensation. I wonder if that is what it is like to be hypnotized. Funny thing though. I had continued thought process through the whole thing. Last time I was put under, I had a definite "blackout". Not this time, this time my brain was still babbling on. At first I didn't really remember want I had been thinking about, but as the day has progressed, I am beginning to remember. But thats another blog.

OK, so now the nurse helps me to my feet and we go into the recovery closet and she asks me who brought me. I was trying to say Steph, but apparently I wasn't getting it out right (mouth full of gauze and numb all over), so I finally said "Berg, just ask for Berg". So Steph comes back to see me and he and the nurse help me to sit up right. Steph asks me how I'm doing and all I can say is "I'm gonna make you an offer you can't refuse" I guess you had to be there, but with all the gauze stuffed in my mouth, it was just all I could think of. More jokes were made, and Steph ribs me for making the nurse call him Berg. LOL.

The nurse then gives Steph the after-care papers and tells him what they say (cuz I am not going to remember). Then he drove me back to my house. I thought I was pretty lucid at the time, but I only remember about 3/4 of the drive. Anyway, we got back here and I swallowed some pain meds and the antibiotics they prescribed (I have a heart murmur, so the antibiotics are a precaution). The Berg and I had some pretty good conversation about life and friendship, and how wonderful it is that we are the friends we are. And how great it is to see our circle grow. It was a very sweet and slightly misty conversation between 2 people that love one another.

Steph then generously got me some refried beans and rice from Taco Bueno, and he had some tacos. Lynette came by to get Steph around 1:15 or so and I took another pain med and crashed on the couch.

So it sucks to lose more teeth, but, all in all, knowing I have such great friends who will always take care of me when I really need it makes it not so bad. Besides, I got good drugs out of the deal! LOL. I'm so predictable.

Oh I failed to mention, I went in my polka dotted Wonder Bread (tm) pajamas.

We never even cut the watermelon

Had a BBQ on Sunday. We had such a great time! At least I think we did. I know I did. I hope everyone did. We cued 3 big ol slabs of meat and had beans, bread, deviled eggs and the obligatory veggie trays. Surprisingly, most of the veggies got eaten which is kind of unusual.
All the usual suspects attended, Steph and Lynette and their three teens, Lauren, Heather and Nathan. Megan came down from Kansas. Lashell made it just as we sat down to eat and it made the evening perfectly well rounded.

After dinner we all sat out on the patio with our respective drinks and "did the weirds". We played hangman, drew silly (not to mention disgusting) pictures and made up silly songs. We laughed and carried on. Just like the good old days. I had gone out and found a seeded water melon so that we could have a seed spitting contest, but we got too busy being stupid, that we never even cut the water melon. Oh well!! Thanks everybody for making this weekend so fun and memorable!!

Swords or shields

There is someone in my past that has sprung to thought quite a lot lately. He and I were so close once. There was a time when we did everything together. We loved one another passionately, yet for some reason felt the constant need to tear one another down.

For the most part we were pretty good at building back up again, but after years of mutual abuse, it had become tiresome and (not without prompting) I finally walked away, figuratively tearing my shirt and having done with him. That was 8 years ago.

Though he and I have seen one another once since then, and even made an attempt to undo the damage, at the time it all seemed too little too late. But now I find myself wanting to reconnect. Not to bring things back to the way they were. That is neither possible nor desirable. But rather to open up a dialog with him once again. Start fresh.

We are both now pushing 40. We were both teenagers when we met. Two wounded souls grasping to make sense of this crappy, wonderful, hellishly sweet little world we live in. We both made a lot of mistakes, but, how does one forget years of love, laughter and devotion? Am I mistaken? Am I a fool? Will it be too much to hope for? As an adult, looking back, I realize now that it wasn't swords with which we chose to battle, but shields.

If you are reading this PTB, I would like to finally put down the defenses and get to know YOU.

Happy Heimer Day!!!

Happy, lucky, joy day to Geo3rge, Julie and the late, great Stevenheimer!!

Basics, bunco, beauty and bananas

Sometimes when one is so busy with work and shit, one forgets about the basics. Sometimes this job I have just stresses me out like nothing else. Monday was one of those days. I won't go into detail, just suffice it to say it was a sucky-ass day. But, that evening I went to Jeanette's daughters first dance recital. She is four.

At one point during her routine, she saw me in the audience and got this incredible sweet and happy smile on her face. I felt a little rush of joy wash over me as I thought about how important I have become to this child's life. Suddenly the crapiola at work didn't seem so damned important anymore.

But let me backtrack a little. The weekend leading up to the sucky-ass Monday was really a lot of fun. Friday, Jeanette and I went to play Bunco. She got me hooked on this monthly female gabfest a few months ago and I have been going with her ever since. I have never won anything, but it is allot of fun nevertheless.

The next morning we got up early and, along with her mom, drove to Tulsa for a Glamour Shots session. This took around 5 hours of the day, but we had such a great time! Getting all dolled up and playing celeb for a day. It did make me think about how difficult it must be to have to do this day in and day out. No wonder so many models suffer from exhaustion and dehydration. But the photos we all picked out are fabulous and I can't wait to get them. They should be coming in the mail in the next week or so. I will scan and post when I can. I'm feeling better and better these days, and it was neat to sort of portray that feeling on film.

I have had to change my diet a bit. Nothing as drastic as I had originally thought. Really more about portions than anything else. And I am eating allot of bananas. Well, at least one a day anyway. I usually eat one for breaky. Good thing I like them. But I swear one morning I am going to wake up with a pointy head and slick yellow skin!

Well, I suppose I need to get to work. I have been here for an hour and have accomplished nothing but this blog entry. Sometimes the boss frowns on behavior such as this. :-)

Habits and addictions

It's funny how one gets used to things being a certain way. We don't tend to realize how much we take those things for granted until they are gone, or even delayed.

My dearest friend and favorite blogger, The Incurable Insomniac, has been rather under the weather and has been unable to blog. It has only been 2 days, but it feels as though it has been weeks!! Reading his blog is part of my morning routine. When I get to work, it is usually one of the very first things that I do.

I have known Steph for almost 20 years and have a fairly good grasp on how he thinks and emotes. In fact, we are more like siblings than merely friends, but I have found that I am still learning more about him and continually getting to know him through his blog.

Get to feeling better soon Stephooch! I need a fix! (Jeez, sounds like it's all about ME dosn't it?) ;) No seriously, I hope you get to feeling well again.

Tard Carts and Hamburgers

After my toenailectomy, I was instructed to stay off of my feet for a few days so that they can begin to heal properly. Not an easy thing to do for someone who likes to be doing "stuff", but, I am doing my best with the help of Beau and Lashell.

Lashell came over Friday night to stay with us because her house was being treated for fleas. I needed to go shopping on Saturday, so I asked her to go with me so she could follow me around as I was going to be in one of those little electric carts (I call em tard carts--no letters please, get a sense of humor). We got to the Evil Walmart Faction and Lashell dropped me off at the front door and I went in and climbed onto the silly wagon. I waited by the flower section for Lashell to come back in. It took me a few minutes to get used to the damn thing. At one point, I went a bit too fast and slammed into a shelf getting stuck. Lashell had to lift the shelf and get me unstuck. I was fine, but the shelf now has quite a good bend in the middle. LOLOL.

We had most of our shopping done and were in the frozen food aisle when it happened. The damed cart ran out of battery. So I waited there by the frozen pizzas as Lashell went back to get me a fresh cart. It seemed I was sitting there forever, people staring "What is she doing?" Eventually I heard the familiar whining coming around the corner behind me. I turned my head to look and there is Lashell sporting a cart of her own. I lost it then!!!! Oh man, we must have looked like doofaces.

She brought me the new cart, and a Walmart zombie came and took the dead one back to the front. We finished up there, headed back to my house dropped off the groceries and then we went to Lashell's house so she could start putting her house back in order after the bug bombing. Noticing that it was cold as all get out, she checks the thermostat. Great, heat's not working, so we decide she will be staying Saturday night too. Alright with me! I love the company. So we had homemade hamburgers and fries for dinner, then we played poker till the wee hours. All in all it was a really fun weekend.

With or without toe nails.

OK, Seriously...

Yesterday was an interesting day for me. I had made an appointment to see a podiatrist for my weird ass toenails. I have been suffering from ingrown toenails on my big toes for several years. The left one had gotten so bad that I decided it was time to have some medical intervention. The appointment wasn't until 1:45, so I went to work as usual. Nothing remarkable about the work day really. I was nervous about the appointment, as I was fairly certain the doctor would opt to remove the offending nail, and possibly both of them.

Sometime around 10:00 a.m. or so, a lady walks into my office with a vase of flowers and a purple teddy bear. In my head I'm thinking "Huh? It's not Valentines day, and besides, Beau wouldn't do something like that." (Although I wish he would, if you are reading this honey, hint hint... ;) )

Anyway, she hands me the gifts and I read the card. "Good luck. You will be fine. We love you. Signed Your Duck family"

Awww, how sweet. They are from my co-workers. The duck thing is an inside joke. Long story, I may tell you later. Anyway, it was such a sweet gesture and I am touched.

Lashell, Megan and I order a big order of fried rice and eggrolls from a local Chinese restaurant (man, that was good), and soon after it is time to leave for the appointment. Lashell follows me home to drop off my car, and we go to the Doc.

After filling out all the friggin paper work, I am led into the exam room. Doc comes in and chats with me a bit, poking at my toes with a metal, pointy sharp weird.

"Does this hurt?"
"Uhhh, YEAH!"
"Is this tender?"
"Meh, not so much."
"I would stick this under your nail, but you probably wouldn't like me if I did."
My response: "Doc, I'm not sure I like you yet anyway."

The nurses roar with laughter. I was proud. Hehehe. The exam is complete. Not ingrown toenails after all, but some nasty syndrome called Subungual Exostosis. Apparently this happens to people in their 60s most commonly. Leave it to me to be before my time. I've always been a trend setter. *sigh*

Treatment? Yes, both toenails must be removed. I won't go into the procedure too much, as I kinda wanna puke when I think about it, but I will tell you that getting several shots of Lidocaine in your toes, is THE MOST PAINFUL THING I HAVE EVER EXPERIENCED!!

After the first shot, the nurses looked at my face and one of them asked. "Do you want your bear?" Choking back tears and in a feeble whiny voice I hear myself say "Yeah, I think I do." The nurse hands me the bear, and I proceed to choke the hell outta this poor little thing. Silly as it may seem, I was so glad to have that bear. I closed my eyes and squeezed my little buddy and tried not to start bawling like a baby.

OK, OK, OK. Breathe, breathe breathe. Shots are done. Right toe is not going as numb as I would like, so one more shot. It's ok though, because it's mostly numb already and I hardly feel the needle.

After the nails are removed, the doc makes a small incision at the tip of my toes, to get to the spur underneath. This is where I almost puked. No pain or anything, but the sound of him scraping at the bone to get it reduced in size was almost enough to send me over the top. Once again the purple bear gets what's coming to him. Anyway. I'm bandaged up and sent on my merry way.

After this extremely stressful past hour, I'm dying for a cigarette, so I called work to let them know I was done and Megan could come get me, then I slipped outside to light up a smoke. Nothing remarkable about that. I watch as Megan turns into the parking lot where I am waiting. As she sees me I see her head go back in a fit of laughter. I catch a glimpse of myself in the windows of the clinic. Long black velvet peasant skirt, bright red shirt, tan medical sox, blue surgical booties and holding a purple teddy bear. I busted up laughing too. I seriously looked like a retard. And then I start walking, well shuffling, towards the car. Megan busts up again. I must have been a site. It still makes me laugh.

Megan took me to the drug store to fill my scripts and then she took me home, settled me on the couch and left me to my TV and healing process.

So I am stuck at home today, too. Suckiest part, I can't even do housework or anything. Just stuck with the tube, the computer, and maybe read a good book. Not too bad really, but I am not a sedentary person. I like doing "stuff".

Anyway, that was my interesting day. I'm hobbling back to the couch now. Hendrix, the purple teddy sits beside me.

Mozartballs

Friday night is the private screening party for the film documentary "Mozartballs". I am so excited. Not JUST because my dearest friend, Steph and his wife, Lynette are the featured cast, but also because they really do throw the best parties. He posted his gastronimic itinerary on his blog this morning and it looks like quite the feast! Also, since moving to Stillwater, I have made so many new friends. Dr. Scott will be there. He is a professor of music history at OSU. Also, another friend I met only recently. His name is Jaeson and he is an old friend of Lynette's from high school. Of course Beau will be with me and another new edition to my friendship repertoire, Lashell. I met Lashell last July when I started my job at Express Personnel. We became fast friends and I think we will be for our lifetimes. Yeah, she's a keeper.

Anyway, after living virtually alone for 6 months last Fall/Winter, it's so nice to be able to make plans!!! Yay! It's a party.

The wonder of youth

My best friend, Steph and his wife, Lynette have been in Austria for the past week and a half, filming a movie about Mozart. There is much more to it than that, but you will have to visit Steph's site for the details. Anyroad, over the weekend, I had the joy of having their 2 teenage girls stay with me. They are 15 and 16. What fun we had!!

Saturday we went shopping, and then that night Beau and I taught them how to play poker. Sunday we all just flapped around, napped, and then played poker some more. I just wanted to write to say how much I loved having them here. They are both so intelligent and delightful. I love all 3 of those kids so dearly. Nathan is the youngest at 13. He stuck around his house for the weekend, bugging the heck outta Liz and Joel, no doubt. Now that the girls are so good at poker, I can't wait for the first family poker night. Well, it's late and I must work tomorrow, so I will bid you all g'night.

Somewhere, Beyond The Sea

Last night was a scream!!! Went to Steph and Nettl's to participate in the b-day celebration of one of Nettl's co-workers. Jacey is her name. She is a laugh riot. This girl has only just (today) turned 23 and has already overcome cancer. Her attitude toward life is such an inspiration. She brough her BF Mica, who is 7 years her senior. He seems like a really decent and genuine human being. We all had a great time. Of course I was coerced into singing the standard duet with Steph (Fake Mammaries), which is always good for a larf.

J and M took off around 11:30-ish and S and N and I stayed out on the back patio listening to old standards and singning and dancing til after midnight. We had such a good time. I stayed the night there, and around 11 a.m. I slimed out of bed.

Steph and I watched the Kevin Spacey movie "Beyond the Sea" which is a movie depicting the life and death of Bobby Darin. Great film. Besides the fact that I am already a great fan of Spacey, I also love the whole Las Vegas campy lounge acts. I loved this movie. I heartily reccomend it.

Anyway, I finally got home today around 1:30. Beau got home just around 2 and we took a nap til almost 5. Cripes, I have not slept all day in a long long time. I loved it!!!

Would you like fries with that?

Well, we moved to OK and are pretty well settled in now. I love this house!!! That's the good news, the bad news is, I still have not been able to get a job. Cripes, if something doesn't come through soon, I am going to end up flippin burgers somewhere. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing shameful about that, but I have too much experience in other fields. Oh well, we do what we have to do eh?

In the meantime, we got a new kitten. He is a grey tabby and we have named him "Figaro". He is sooooo friggin cute. Last week we had a bit of a scare with him. He became lethargic and stopped eating. Took him to "The Cat Clinic", (where Steph's wife works as a surgical nurse) and got him rehydrated and put him on some meds that are intended to treat intestinal viruses and parasites. Something is working because he is just about back to his old self. Eating, drinking, and playing like a maniac. Last night he was doing acrobatics on the couch chasing my wiggling fingers. He is going to be a great cat.

Cosmo, the ten year old has been 'tolerant' at best, but she is getting better. I don't think they will ever be "friends", but at least I know she won't rip his little face off. Actually, she is a big ol pussy, because this big old cat is afraid of the little bitty. LOLOL

On another note, my B-Day was last Thursday and we had a party on Saturday. Steph, Nettl and Lauren (Nettl's oldest) came over and we had lots of food and wine. Steph and I ended up sitting outside for most of the evening, talking laughing and generally doing the weirds. Steph ended up staying the night, and the next day we whiled away the time watching the Food Network and bitching about the hosts. Something we have been doing for years. It used to be court shows, but now it's cooking shows. Some things I learned: Steph and I both hate, Bobby Flay and Emeril, and have similar opinions regarding most of the other hosts. Too funny, even after years of living in completely different zip codes, our similarities are still remarkable. I had a blast.

Another one of those days...

I've had another Cteeve day today. Not an all day thing. Beau and I did yard work this morning. He mowed, then I decided to rake up the spent grass, then together we bagged it up. After this we had our Sunday Hot Dogs (our tradition), then we headed off to Blockbuster to find a Video game. (It's what we do). As many of you know, the Blockbuster stores have video monitors all over their stores. Usually, to play the latest video release. But, today our local Blockbuster was playing the movie "Labyrinth". One of my top 5 fave movies, and also the movie that spawned the "our song" between Cteev and I. Not really a romantic kind of thing, but a symbol of our friendship. The lyrics are... Please forgive the size of the font as I cut and pasted.

As the world falls down
There's such a sad love
Deep in your eyes, a kind of pale jewel
Open and close
Within the sky I'll place the sky within your eyes
There's such a fooled heart
Beating so fast in search of new dreams
A love that will last within your heart
I'll place the moon within your heart

CHORUS:
As the pain sweeps through
Makes no sense for you
Every thrill is gone
Wasn't too much fun at all
But I'll be there for you
As the world falls down
Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling in love

I'll paint you mornings of gold
I'll spin you Valentine evenings
Though we're strangers till now
We're choosing the path between the stars
I'll leave my love between the stars

CHORUS
Falling
(As the world) Falling down
Falling
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling in love
As the world falls down
Falling
Falling
Falling

Makes no sense at all
Makes no sense to fall

For us, it truly did "make no sense to fall". I miss him, I miss him everyday of my life.

Anyway.

When I saw what was playing at Blockbuster I couldn't figure out why they were playing such an old movie. I even asked Beau "I wonder why they are playing this??" It was later , when the whole soundtrack was in my head (you know how it is) that it hit me. Cteev was talking to me. I had forgotten about "our song". He found a way to remind me and to talk to me. I have this feeling that he will not be around much longer. I mean this is the spiritual sense, although he will be present for a few more months. I was almost asleep, and he decided to get me out of bed. Typical.

More to come

Rocky Mountain High

I had a conversation yesterday with a co-worker who is planning a vacation to Colorado this summer. I started telling her about all the wonderful things to do and see. I realized about 5 minutes into the conversation that I had actually sort of perked up when I was talking about it. I guess I hadn't really realized how much I loved living there. Or how much I missed it. I found myself saying out loud, "Jeez, one would wonder why I ever left".

The reason I did leave was that at the time, I had nothing to stay there for. My now ex-husband and I had split up, my best friend Steph had moved back to California and I was working at McDonald's, which was hardly a career. So, I up and moved to Kansas with a girl I knew and we got an apartment in Overland Park, Kansas. It was cheaper to live here and I knew a few people out here. So at the time it made sense.

Of course, the REAL reason I moved here was to meet the love of my life. Though I didn't know it at the time. Now, several years later, the love of my life and I are now married and have bought a house. So I guess we really did put down roots here. I don't mind Kansas too much. Though we have very few friends here, (good friends!) and there is nothing of beauty to reference to. What I mean by that, is that in California we had the beaches and the mountains, in Colorado there is of course the Rocky Mountains, not to mention all the great tangible history that resides all around you.

This morning on the way to work while surfing the stations on my stereo, there was some redneck proclaiming in a loud voice, "2nd annual cow pie tossing contest and barn dance!!" The first words out of my mouth were "Holy crap, what the f%^$ am I DOING here???!! I love my house, and I love the life that my husband and I are building together, but more and more I find myself not wanting to be in Kansas.

It is not my intention to insult anyone who is from Kansas. It has it's good points, just like anywhere, and it has it's bad points, just like anywhere. But I don't belong here. I don't belong in a place where every other radio station is country music. I don't belong in a place that broadcasts Christian "services" on the #1 rock and roll station on Sunday mornings. I don't belong in a Republican conservative state that tells me I cannot buy beer on Sundays (yes, yes, I know it is changing, but it should have NEVER been a law to begin with.) I don't belong in a state where tractor pulls are the best thing happening on a Saturday afternoon and cow pie tossing contests, well, where cow pie tossing contests even EXIST! Like I said, no offense to anyone who grew up here, but this is just not who I am.

Perhaps this is a mood that will pass. This time of year always makes me think of home. Cool breezy evenings sitting around the fire pit in my friend's back yard, drinking wine and indulging in nature's herb. Singing silly songs without the thought that it would ever end. Or the days that The Berg and I would drive to Boulder to drink beer at one of the many sidewalk cafes, and people watch. Oh we had so much fun.

So as I write this, I am struck with a thought that perhaps, and probably, it is not the places I am missing, but the people. I miss my friends. I miss the weekends that turned into weeks. I miss Cteev farting on my head. I miss Lisa and I getting together for our candy buffet. I miss Dave Reeds big cheesy grin. I miss Paul Boat's droll sense of humor. (It's just not the same in an e-mail.) I miss being able to jump in my car and be at Berg's house in 20 minutes. *Sigh* I hope you will forgive my lamenting. More of a rambling I guess, just to get this out of my head. Anyway, this too, like all things, shall pass.