Well, it's official. My husband now has an apartment in OKC. While he has been living down there for some time now, it was only after he got an actual address that made it feel really REAL. It has been hard living alone in this big house. While I have developed a routine and have gotten used to it, it has not become any easier. I miss him terribly on an hourly basis. Thank god I have a job that I really enjoy. While I miss him constantly, its great to have something to do that lowers the awareness of the situation. If only briefly. Oddly enough, this is the first time I have ever lived alone. What kind of Karmic bullshit is this??? Of all the people I have lived with in the past, THIS man of mine is the one I never want to be apart from. Steph, my best friend, joked the other day "Why couldn't your ex-husband have had a job like this?" I still laugh at this. We probably would have gotten along better if he had just been away. LOL.
But I digress. I love my husband and would not go back to the time I didn't have him in my life for all the money in the world. It's simply tragic irony that we are not together. There have been times when I have really felt sorry for myself. This is no easy task, as I have never been any good at self pity. I always try to find examples of why I should be glad "At least I'm not THAT guy." This situation has proven to be no different. My latest reality check came to me yesterday. I had a customer in my store whose husband is in Iraq. I thought to myself. "At least I KNOW Beau and I will be together again."
There are hundreds of men and women whose loved ones are in Iraq, and there is no guarantee that those people will come home. My heart broke for her. Though she had a smile on her face, and seemed to be in a good mood. Inside I was thinking that she must worry all the time. I have always been the one to point out, that "Its all relative." Now, I'm not so sure. For her, knowing that at any moment "They" could show up at her door is far more stressful than not knowing when my house will sell. Also, recently my best friend lost his mother to sudden heart failure. I have nothing to compare this to. I cannot begin, nor would I presume, to act as though I understand how he feels. Perhaps it is a sign of some of the wisdom that comes with age. But, I look at situations like this, and realize, this isn't relativity, it's reality. Or perhaps it is simply that I have developed more empathy as I have gotten older. Either way, I try to remind myself that this is temporary, and that when all is said and done, our lives will be better.
I love you Beau.
Ciao, peeps...until next time.
Sunday, January 16, 2005
Sunday, December 19, 2004
The written word, and other stuff
I have been reading a lot lately, mostly to pass the time but also because I truly love to read and have made so many excuses not to the last few years or so. I have read the occasional crotch novel now and then (4 Harlequins in an afternoon while having a garage sale), but I wanted to get back into reading books with a bit more intelligence. I finally went and purchased myself a copy of "The Good Earth" by Pearl S. Buck. To be honest, I have sort of put off reading this particular novel as I know there would be a great deal of past life flashbacks. And I wasn't sure I would be ready for some of them. Also, I have what I call "P.N.D." post novel depression. I get so close to the people I am reading about, that when I am finished with a really great book, I miss those people so terribly. This book was no exception. I usually wait sometime before getting into another novel, but I decided to pick up another anyway.
I am now reading The Da Vinci Code. I started it yesterday and about halfway through. I LOVE THIS BOOK!!! Besides loving a good mystery, I am intrigued by the factual data conveyed in the story. Also, I really appreciate the fact that one must possess a higher than average intelligence to truly understand and enjoy this book. I found out today that the movie is in the works. Ron Howard director and Tom Hanks is slated to play the lead. To be released sometime in 2006. I look forward to seeing how well such an intricate story will convey to the big screen.
I have found a lot of time to read, because at the moment I am living alone. Beau is now officially living and working in OK. He moved down there near the end of November. Needless to say this has been hard. He has been down there for the most part since the end of October. Staying for 2 weeks, home for a week. Then staying for 3 weeks, home for a week. But as of the 1st of December he had officially begun his duties in his new position in OKC. Being apart from one another has been very very difficult. But, the upswing of this, is that we really miss one another. That sounds crazy, but think about it. So, I fill my free time with cleaning house, playing with the dog, playing trivia games on mIRC and now, reading. The latter being the most enjoyable. Thank goddess I have a job that I really like. Not just for finances, but to fill most of my days.
Thats about all the update I can muster right now.
I love you Beau.
I am now reading The Da Vinci Code. I started it yesterday and about halfway through. I LOVE THIS BOOK!!! Besides loving a good mystery, I am intrigued by the factual data conveyed in the story. Also, I really appreciate the fact that one must possess a higher than average intelligence to truly understand and enjoy this book. I found out today that the movie is in the works. Ron Howard director and Tom Hanks is slated to play the lead. To be released sometime in 2006. I look forward to seeing how well such an intricate story will convey to the big screen.
I have found a lot of time to read, because at the moment I am living alone. Beau is now officially living and working in OK. He moved down there near the end of November. Needless to say this has been hard. He has been down there for the most part since the end of October. Staying for 2 weeks, home for a week. Then staying for 3 weeks, home for a week. But as of the 1st of December he had officially begun his duties in his new position in OKC. Being apart from one another has been very very difficult. But, the upswing of this, is that we really miss one another. That sounds crazy, but think about it. So, I fill my free time with cleaning house, playing with the dog, playing trivia games on mIRC and now, reading. The latter being the most enjoyable. Thank goddess I have a job that I really like. Not just for finances, but to fill most of my days.
Thats about all the update I can muster right now.
I love you Beau.
Saturday, October 16, 2004
Life's little pleasures
I have been alone here at home for a week now, which has given me way too much time to think about shit. The following is my first top ten list. I like this one though. This is my top ten list of life's truly simple joys
10: The smell that permeates from a freshly opened can of coffee.
9: Sleeping in.
8: My cat "making bread" and purring next to my head as I fall asleep.
7: Baking brownies at midnight.
6: My neighbor waving at me as I drive by, even though we have never spoken a word.
5: Writing with a really good pen.
4: Turning to the classical station on the way to work, to find they are playing Mozart.
3: The sound of a newly opened box of wine pouring into a glass.
2: The first shave with a new razor blade.
1: A really good nap.
There are so may simple joys in life. It is amazing how much we take for granted. I will strive from now on to remember these things and to "stop and smell the roses" (so to speak) a bit more often.
10: The smell that permeates from a freshly opened can of coffee.
9: Sleeping in.
8: My cat "making bread" and purring next to my head as I fall asleep.
7: Baking brownies at midnight.
6: My neighbor waving at me as I drive by, even though we have never spoken a word.
5: Writing with a really good pen.
4: Turning to the classical station on the way to work, to find they are playing Mozart.
3: The sound of a newly opened box of wine pouring into a glass.
2: The first shave with a new razor blade.
1: A really good nap.
There are so may simple joys in life. It is amazing how much we take for granted. I will strive from now on to remember these things and to "stop and smell the roses" (so to speak) a bit more often.
Monday, October 11, 2004
The most bogus of holidays, and my first night alone
Well, it's Columbus day. What a joke!!! Just another excuse to close banks and Govt. institutions.
So, I made it through the first night without my Angel. I didn't sleep well and every little noise had me sitting up in bed. But, its morning and all is well. Thankfully I have a job to go to, if nothing else but to occupy my time. This next weekend will be the hardest. I am off the whole weekend and will be home with nothing to do and no one to talk to, except the cat and dog. I am hoping I will get "the phone call" today and get this damned house under contract. Although, the last couple to look at it didn't seem too excited and didn't stay very long. If nothing gives here pretty soon, we may have to break down and list it with a realtor. We really don't want to have to do that though, as it is a waste of money. Selling agents are bogus!!! An agent wouldn't really do anymore than we already have. But, we will see I guess. Like everything in life, we just have to be patient. Not an easy task.
Weel, I gots ta git ta werk. I will try to write more often. Beau, if you are reading this... I love you and I miss you sooo much.
So, I made it through the first night without my Angel. I didn't sleep well and every little noise had me sitting up in bed. But, its morning and all is well. Thankfully I have a job to go to, if nothing else but to occupy my time. This next weekend will be the hardest. I am off the whole weekend and will be home with nothing to do and no one to talk to, except the cat and dog. I am hoping I will get "the phone call" today and get this damned house under contract. Although, the last couple to look at it didn't seem too excited and didn't stay very long. If nothing gives here pretty soon, we may have to break down and list it with a realtor. We really don't want to have to do that though, as it is a waste of money. Selling agents are bogus!!! An agent wouldn't really do anymore than we already have. But, we will see I guess. Like everything in life, we just have to be patient. Not an easy task.
Weel, I gots ta git ta werk. I will try to write more often. Beau, if you are reading this... I love you and I miss you sooo much.
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Long overdue update
Well, here it is mid October and I am just getting around to posting again. Hard to know where to begin really.
Since I lost my job in March I have been on unemployment. I had been seeking employment here in the Leavenworth area, but could find nothing that would pay enough for us to live on. Sometime in June, Beau and I began to toy with the idea of moving to Oklahoma. It wasn't really meant to be a serious discussion. Just more of a passing comment. But, just for gits and shiggles, Beau talked to one of his bosses about their Oklahoma offices and would there be any work for him down there. Again, not really expecting a serious discussion. But lo and behold, it just so happened that the District Supervisor for the OK offices had just been fired and they needed a good replacement. Really?? Hmmm. "What are the chances you would consider me?"
Turns out the chances were better than good and the higher ups were absolutely thrilled about the prospect. They have a great deal of respect and admiration for him and just about jumped at the chance. So, ok... now we really ARE moving to OK. My best friend and his family live in Stillwater OK (Which is what prompted the first discussion to begin with.) So, it only made sense for us, that if we are moving all the way to OK, living in Stillwater was the only way to go. So we put the house up for sale and set out to find a new house in Stillwater. That was the beginning of August. Since then we have packed up most of our stuff, gotten rid of our sofa and loveseat and crossed our fingers everyday that this would be the day we got "the phonecall". We have had several people looking, but so far no reasonable offers. We have done a lot of painting and redoing of floors and general maintenance to make the place more appealing, but so far, the right people have not found the house yet. Or the house has not, as of yet, found them.
Upon our trip to Stillwater in August, we found the house of our dreams. (Well, of the the small reasonable realistic dreams anyway.) It is a really cool looking 2 bedroom 4 bath (yes, I said 4), with a kitchen to die for and 424 square feet of mostly unfinished space upstairs. I know this sounds more like a nightmare than a dream, but thee is just something about this house that we fell head over heels in love with. The snag, we have to get our house sold before we can even think about bidding. Or otherwise put in a Contingent upon sale clause in the contract.
Well after we got home, we deliberated, and decided to go ahead and put in the contingency bid. So I called our realtor, she got the paperwork together, we sent the earnest check and not 2 seconds after pushing the send button on her fax machine to send us the contract, her colleague walked into her office and stated "Oh, did you hear, that house on Will Rogers just went under contingency." We had been snaked out!!!!!! By another contingent!!! *sigh*
Broken hearted and with tears in my eyes, I called Beau and told him of this. Oh well, to be honest, we really needed that $500.00 earnest money to pay bills anyway. But, that was so not the point. Looking back, it would not have worked anyway, as here we are 2 full months later and still no offers on our current home.
Oh but wait there's more! About 2 weeks ago or so, I got an email from our OK realtor. "There were some title problems with the house you guys wanted, and the buyers cannot wait for them to fix it. They backed out. The current owners are going to get the problem fixed before they put it back on the market." The house is waiting for US!!! This is the second time a buyer has backed out. So the house KNOWS who is supposed to live there!! But, we are still in the same boat, "no selly no buyee". But, the traffic of lookers has picked up significantly. I suppose it is just a matter of time before the house picks its new owners.
Meantime, Beau's bosses need him to start work, so they have sent him to OK for 2 weeks. 2 WHOLE WEEKS!!! They made arrangements for a hotel, and he can visit with our friends on the weekend. That way he won't get too lonely and he can do his laundry too. But I hate this. He left this morning at 10. I didn't think I was going to, but as soon as he drove away, I started to cry. I am going to miss him so much. Luckily I have returned to working. I got a job a couple of weeks ago, just in the nick of time as my unemployment ran out. I sell carpet. I really enjoy this job too, which kinda sux because I know I cannot keep it. Oh well. We do what we gotta do in this life to take care of ourselves.
One more thing before I sign off. We got a dog. A miniature Beagle. We call her Daisy. She will be a great companion for me until my Angel comes home. Everyone, continue to send out good vibes that this house will find its new owners soon. I can't deal with this limbo shit anymore.We just want to be able to move on with our lives. It that too much to ask??!
Since I lost my job in March I have been on unemployment. I had been seeking employment here in the Leavenworth area, but could find nothing that would pay enough for us to live on. Sometime in June, Beau and I began to toy with the idea of moving to Oklahoma. It wasn't really meant to be a serious discussion. Just more of a passing comment. But, just for gits and shiggles, Beau talked to one of his bosses about their Oklahoma offices and would there be any work for him down there. Again, not really expecting a serious discussion. But lo and behold, it just so happened that the District Supervisor for the OK offices had just been fired and they needed a good replacement. Really?? Hmmm. "What are the chances you would consider me?"
Turns out the chances were better than good and the higher ups were absolutely thrilled about the prospect. They have a great deal of respect and admiration for him and just about jumped at the chance. So, ok... now we really ARE moving to OK. My best friend and his family live in Stillwater OK (Which is what prompted the first discussion to begin with.) So, it only made sense for us, that if we are moving all the way to OK, living in Stillwater was the only way to go. So we put the house up for sale and set out to find a new house in Stillwater. That was the beginning of August. Since then we have packed up most of our stuff, gotten rid of our sofa and loveseat and crossed our fingers everyday that this would be the day we got "the phonecall". We have had several people looking, but so far no reasonable offers. We have done a lot of painting and redoing of floors and general maintenance to make the place more appealing, but so far, the right people have not found the house yet. Or the house has not, as of yet, found them.
Upon our trip to Stillwater in August, we found the house of our dreams. (Well, of the the small reasonable realistic dreams anyway.) It is a really cool looking 2 bedroom 4 bath (yes, I said 4), with a kitchen to die for and 424 square feet of mostly unfinished space upstairs. I know this sounds more like a nightmare than a dream, but thee is just something about this house that we fell head over heels in love with. The snag, we have to get our house sold before we can even think about bidding. Or otherwise put in a Contingent upon sale clause in the contract.
Well after we got home, we deliberated, and decided to go ahead and put in the contingency bid. So I called our realtor, she got the paperwork together, we sent the earnest check and not 2 seconds after pushing the send button on her fax machine to send us the contract, her colleague walked into her office and stated "Oh, did you hear, that house on Will Rogers just went under contingency." We had been snaked out!!!!!! By another contingent!!! *sigh*
Broken hearted and with tears in my eyes, I called Beau and told him of this. Oh well, to be honest, we really needed that $500.00 earnest money to pay bills anyway. But, that was so not the point. Looking back, it would not have worked anyway, as here we are 2 full months later and still no offers on our current home.
Oh but wait there's more! About 2 weeks ago or so, I got an email from our OK realtor. "There were some title problems with the house you guys wanted, and the buyers cannot wait for them to fix it. They backed out. The current owners are going to get the problem fixed before they put it back on the market." The house is waiting for US!!! This is the second time a buyer has backed out. So the house KNOWS who is supposed to live there!! But, we are still in the same boat, "no selly no buyee". But, the traffic of lookers has picked up significantly. I suppose it is just a matter of time before the house picks its new owners.
Meantime, Beau's bosses need him to start work, so they have sent him to OK for 2 weeks. 2 WHOLE WEEKS!!! They made arrangements for a hotel, and he can visit with our friends on the weekend. That way he won't get too lonely and he can do his laundry too. But I hate this. He left this morning at 10. I didn't think I was going to, but as soon as he drove away, I started to cry. I am going to miss him so much. Luckily I have returned to working. I got a job a couple of weeks ago, just in the nick of time as my unemployment ran out. I sell carpet. I really enjoy this job too, which kinda sux because I know I cannot keep it. Oh well. We do what we gotta do in this life to take care of ourselves.
One more thing before I sign off. We got a dog. A miniature Beagle. We call her Daisy. She will be a great companion for me until my Angel comes home. Everyone, continue to send out good vibes that this house will find its new owners soon. I can't deal with this limbo shit anymore.We just want to be able to move on with our lives. It that too much to ask??!
Saturday, May 08, 2004
Homeward bound
Well, I just booked a round trip flight to Oxnard. I couldn't be more excited about it!!! Unfortunately my hubby cannot go with me and that makes us both very sad. But, I get to see my mom and dad, and I was in so much denial about how much I have missed them. Not to mention the kids! My niece and nephews. My older brothers 3 kids. Shandi, the oldest, and the only girl, will be 16 in June. Joshua, the middle, turned 14 in October and Nathan, the baby, just turned 12 in April.
When I was still living in Cali, I was these kids secondary caregiver. That is to say, I was the daycare. I took care of them while my brother and sister in law went to work each day. I changed their diapers, I made their breakfasts and lunches and I felt as though I was making a difference in their lives. Shandi was only 5 when I left California. Now she is about to turn 16. I have missed so much of their lives. 10th birthdays, lost teeth, first report cards, first crushes, baseball and basketball games and swim meets. The more i think about this, the more sad I become. I am not unhappy with my life now. I love my husband with all my heart and he loves me. We have built a great life together, and I am looking forward to all that lies ahead. But, I have always regretted missing them grow up. Those kids are so much a part of my heart. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have kids of my own. I will probably implode. :-)
Hopefully I will know what it means very soon. The oldest, Shandi, could not pronounce my name when she was growing up, so it came out "Deedee". This is what they all call me, and always have. Though they spell it "Dede". So Aunt Dede it was, and is. Anyway, I can't wait to see them. If I win the lottery I am moving back to Cali. Unfortunately that it what it would take. It costs a fortune to live there now. So I am stuck here in the midwest. Kansas of all places. Who would have thought that this Valley Girl would end up in Kansas??
Anyway, I will leave on the 2nd of July and return on the 10th. I am so excited about this trip, that part of me is already sad about coming back. I'm a weird.
When I was still living in Cali, I was these kids secondary caregiver. That is to say, I was the daycare. I took care of them while my brother and sister in law went to work each day. I changed their diapers, I made their breakfasts and lunches and I felt as though I was making a difference in their lives. Shandi was only 5 when I left California. Now she is about to turn 16. I have missed so much of their lives. 10th birthdays, lost teeth, first report cards, first crushes, baseball and basketball games and swim meets. The more i think about this, the more sad I become. I am not unhappy with my life now. I love my husband with all my heart and he loves me. We have built a great life together, and I am looking forward to all that lies ahead. But, I have always regretted missing them grow up. Those kids are so much a part of my heart. I cannot imagine what it must be like to have kids of my own. I will probably implode. :-)
Hopefully I will know what it means very soon. The oldest, Shandi, could not pronounce my name when she was growing up, so it came out "Deedee". This is what they all call me, and always have. Though they spell it "Dede". So Aunt Dede it was, and is. Anyway, I can't wait to see them. If I win the lottery I am moving back to Cali. Unfortunately that it what it would take. It costs a fortune to live there now. So I am stuck here in the midwest. Kansas of all places. Who would have thought that this Valley Girl would end up in Kansas??
Anyway, I will leave on the 2nd of July and return on the 10th. I am so excited about this trip, that part of me is already sad about coming back. I'm a weird.
Friday, April 30, 2004
My exciting life... a day's review
Woke up to the thunder clap.
Stumbled to the bathroom to pee.
Stumbled to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee...one sweet and low with milk.
Went down to the living room to watch the news for a bit.
Started a load of laundry.
Made the bed.
Took a shower.
Switched the laundry, then decided to rearrange the bedroom closet. It looks good!
Sorted through my socks and chonies, throwing out the old and worn out.
Much to my chagrin I have a revelation that my husband is right, socks do fit better if you fold them rather than ball them. Besides, I also discovered that if you leave socks in a ball long enough, it stretches out the elastic, and then you have to throw them away. But mostly, I just hate to admit he was right.
*sigh*
Chatted with Steph for a few minutes.
Put away more laundry... started the last load (it is drying now).
Ate some lunch (sammich and cheesy rice washed down with a grape soda).
Now typing this boring blog entry while also watching/listening to the Ellen show. WOW, someone found this lady's cat after 7 years!! Ellen gives the lady some new cat toys to take home to her long lost pussy.
Future plans:
Put the dishes away.
Put away the last load of laundry.
Vacuum the carpets.
Watch Oprah.
Wipe down various surfaces.
Start dinner.
Greet hubby home from work.
Eat dinner.
Watch hubby play Pokemon video game.
Go to bed.
I just can't stand all the excitement. Now, I have no idea what I will do tomorrow. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.
Stumbled to the bathroom to pee.
Stumbled to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee...one sweet and low with milk.
Went down to the living room to watch the news for a bit.
Started a load of laundry.
Made the bed.
Took a shower.
Switched the laundry, then decided to rearrange the bedroom closet. It looks good!
Sorted through my socks and chonies, throwing out the old and worn out.
Much to my chagrin I have a revelation that my husband is right, socks do fit better if you fold them rather than ball them. Besides, I also discovered that if you leave socks in a ball long enough, it stretches out the elastic, and then you have to throw them away. But mostly, I just hate to admit he was right.
*sigh*
Chatted with Steph for a few minutes.
Put away more laundry... started the last load (it is drying now).
Ate some lunch (sammich and cheesy rice washed down with a grape soda).
Now typing this boring blog entry while also watching/listening to the Ellen show. WOW, someone found this lady's cat after 7 years!! Ellen gives the lady some new cat toys to take home to her long lost pussy.
Future plans:
Put the dishes away.
Put away the last load of laundry.
Vacuum the carpets.
Watch Oprah.
Wipe down various surfaces.
Start dinner.
Greet hubby home from work.
Eat dinner.
Watch hubby play Pokemon video game.
Go to bed.
I just can't stand all the excitement. Now, I have no idea what I will do tomorrow. If anyone has any suggestions please let me know.
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