Sonofamotherfuckingshitpisshell

So... I get home from work today. Feed the out door cats, change into my PJs, turn on oven to preheat for dinner, unload dishwasher, get chicken out of fridge and arrange on a sheet pan for baking, begin to load dishwasher... when I hear a loud, strange noise coming from the utility room. It sounds sort of like pouring cold water into a very hot pan. I run to investigate. Thinking it may be the furnace, I rush to turn the furnace off. No, still making the noise, and worse. Now I smell gas. It's the water heater. Literally, this is what is coming out of my mouth,

"Oh shit, oh fuck, oh shit, oh fuck" as I am running around like a crazy person trying to figure out where the fucking emergency shut off is for the gas.

OK, I don't know how to shut it off, so, realizing that this is REALLY happening, and could turn out really badly, I started scooping up cats. I got Einstein and threw him in the car, then went after Figaro (who was none too happy about this) and I get him in the car too. I go after Cosmo, but she is not about to get near me, as she can see I am clearly not with it at the moment. She ran inot the bedroom, so I shut the bedroom door. OK, this won't help her if the house blows up, but she won't die of gas poisoning.

(In my head):
"Now what, now what?"
"OHHH... call 911." So I call 911.
"911. What is your emergency?"
"MY WATER HEATER JUST DID A WEIRD. IT'S LEAKING AND I SMELL GAS. I CANNOT FIND THE SHUT OFF AND I AM FREAKING OUT!"
"Are you the only one in the house?"
"YES, WELL NO, I MEAN I AM THE ONLY HUMAN."
"Ok, I am sending the fire department out to you ok? You need to get out of the house ok?"
"OK, OK. Yeah, I will get out of the house."

So I grab my purse, my keys and a jacket and go outside. I hear the sirens, they are getting closer. Then they pull in. I was impressed, less than 3 minutes. Anyway, they go in, shut off the gas and the water to the water heater and tell me that the water heater needs replacing.

So, at the moment we are without hot water, but think what could have happened had this occured while I was at work today.

Jesus fucking whipped garbanzo beans
It was a rush!!