November spawned a monster

I've really been missing Cteev today. I have been listening to some of my 80's stuff, and so many of the songs take on a different meaning now that he is gone. I have so many memories wrapped up in music and often I am taken back to certain moments by just hearing one. I sometimes think about how much I wish I could have spent more time with him during his last few years. I know that "woulda coulda shoulda" is futile. But I cannot help how I feel. The first year was really hard. It would nag at me constantly. I still don't know why I didn't go see him when I was in California last time. I mean I know why, but the reasons seem so petty now. If I had known that was the last opportunity I would have to see him alive, those reasons would have not even been an issue.

I don't live in the past, and I know that there is nothing I could have done to make the present any different than it is. I just have "days". These days are getting fewer and farther between, and perhaps one day the regrets will disappear altogether. But for now I just deal with them as they come. But now, as I write this I am sure I can feel him standing over my right shoulder saying, "Oh Debs, don't even worry! I was always totally stoked on you."

It'll pass. It always does.